Mediation in Family Law - Benefits for Children by Norman Pickell

Mediation has benefits for most couples going through a divorce or separation. But this article deals specifically with the benefits of mediation when the parties have children.

Having been a lawyer for children through the Ontario Government's Office of the Children's Lawyer for 19 years, I can tell you that children will thank their separating parents for participating in mediation.

Mediation minimizes the harmful effects of separation and divorce on children. Children of parents who mediate usually adjust better to their parents' separation.

In court, you hear the terms "custody," "access" and "visitation." In mediation, we do not use those terms. If you stop and think about it, we talk about "custody" when we are talking about prisoners in jail. "Visitation" is used when we talk about the funeral home.

Instead we use the term "parenting plan" when sorting out the various parenting responsibilities and the times that each parent will spend with his or her children.

In mediation, the decision-making rests with the parents, not with the mediator and not with a judge. When parents design their own plan, they generally stick to it. They do not need further court proceedings to enforce their agreement.

Agreements reached through mediation can take into account the personal needs of the children in much more detail than other kinds of settlements or court orders.

The mediator will help the parents communicate better with each other. In doing so, the parents will be less likely to argue in the future - particularly in front of their children.

In mediation, the issues will be resolved faster than going to court and generally will cost everyone less money.

Perhaps the most important benefit of mediation when children are involved is the preservation of the relationship that must exist between parents after separation.

Now I know that some couples say that they do not want to have anything to do with each other after they separate. That may be fine if there are no children. But once you are parents, you are parents forever.

In most situations, children need and want both parents involved in their upbringing. There will be all kinds of events in the children's lives that they will want both parents to attend in a co-operative manner.

Co-operation between parents will go a long way to reduce the stress and anxiety in the lives of their children. The children are happier, more secure, more reassured and less distressed.

Sometimes it is helpful for the mediator to meet privately with some or all of the children.

I have had children say such things to me as "I wish my Mom and Dad could get along better." "I wish my Dad and Mom would be nice to each other." "I wish my Mom and my Dad could talk on the phone without hanging up on each other."

Those statements send a very powerful message to the parents when the children give the mediator permission to pass them along.

I have even had older children write letters to their parents.

One such letter to both parents went like this. "I often feel that instead of being a joy to you I am simply a tool to discredit or point blame at the other parent (BOTH of you do this)."

In writing to both parents, another child said "I don't expect you to understand how your children feel because you have absolutely no idea how it feels to be torn between the two people who are supposed to love you the most."

A young adult wrote "At the wedding I had to consider how far away from each other you could sit and will I be able to enjoy myself or will I be pre-occupied with making sure I divide my time equally between the two of you?"

With your children's future at stake, what do you have to lose by trying mediation ?

In those few cases where no agreement is reached, you still retain the flexibility to walk away from mediation and go to court.

Norman Pickell is a mediator and lawyer based in Goderich, Ontario. For more information about mediation, please visit his web site at www.normanpickell.com.