Mediation in Family Law by Norman Pickell

Anyone who has been through a separation knows that it is the easiest thing in the world to handle. Right? Wrong!! Separation and divorce top the list of stressful events that can happen to a person.

Constant fighting, arguing and blaming in a marriage or similarly committed relationship generally leads to more of the same while dissolving it. Unfortunately, the consequences of continuing this behaviour can be dramatic, including long court proceedings, escalating costs, and significant damage to the emotional well-being of the parties and their children. By the time they are in their lawyers' offices - if they can afford a lawyer, the parties usually dislike each other, are very poor communicators, are highly distrustful, and are fearful of being hurt again.

If you go to court, you go when the court tells you to go; lots of paperwork needs to be completed; there will be several court appearances; you have to go into a witness box and give evidence; the other side's lawyer will be able to cross-examine you; a judge tells you what you are going to do; one of you will win and the other will lose. The whole process takes months - and sometimes years - to complete.

In the end, you and your spouse will not likely be any better at communicating than you were when you separated. In fact, because of the adversarial nature of court and the hurtful things that sometimes get said, the two of you may hate each other even more when it is over.

But it does not have to be like that. There is a better way. It is called MEDIATION.

In mediation, you do not go to court. The whole process takes place in the privacy of the mediator's office at times that are convenient for you. You are not cross-examined by the lawyer for your spouse.

Right from the beginning, the mediator will create an atmosphere that promotes discussion. You will be made to feel safe and comfortable in the presence of your spouse.

The mediator will make sure that your spouse listens to what you have to say, and that you listen to what your spouse says. In the end, both of you will have a better understanding of each other's needs. The more that you understand each other, the more likely it is that you can begin the process of talking constructively about the issues in dispute.

You control the outcome and create your own solutions. The mediator does not tell you what you are going to do. A mutually acceptable solution lets both of you be winners.

Hurt. Upset. Betrayed. Angry. Bitter. Scared. Resentful. Any person who has been through a separation will have felt at least one of these emotions. However, courts rarely consider emotions. Mediation, on the other hand, allows these feelings to be expressed.

In most family mediations, you do not bring your lawyer to the meetings with the mediator. However, you will still have the opportunity to talk to your lawyer in person between meetings and by phone during meetings if it is necessary. You will not be required to make any decision without first talking to your lawyer about it.

In addition to being faster than going to court, mediation is usually less expensive than going to court. Yes, you have to pay the mediator, whereas you don't pay the judge. But you don't have all of the other expenses associated with going to court. You also don't miss as much time from work. And the bill you receive from your lawyer is a fraction of what it would be if you went to court.

If mediation does not work, you can stop it and start, or continue with, your court action.

Norman Pickell is a mediator and lawyer based in Goderich, Ontario. For more information about mediation, please visit his web site at http://www.normanpickell.com.